Thursday, December 29, 2011

I'm Not Tebowing; My Shoelace is Untied


I am worse than the average three year old when it comes to shoe laces. Due to my various foot issues, I have to wear lace-up shoes, at least most of the time. That would not be a problem, if it weren’t for the fact that my shoes keep coming untied. Sometimes it’s because I step on the ends of the laces, causing the bow to pull out, but most of the time they just work their way loose for reasons known only to themselves and God.

It’s almost always my right shoe, too. You would think if it were the way I tie my shoes, both bows would come undone roughly the same amount of the time, but no. And yes, I have tried double knotting the bows, and it gives me maybe an additional thirty minutes before the bow comes undone and I have to stop and tie it up again. So if you come upon me somewhere kneeling with my head bent, looking like this, I am not praying. I am tying my shoe. Again. I don’t even pray for my shoes to stay tied. I mean, the Lord helps those who help themselves, right?

It’s not that I have any objections to public prayer. If you want to kneel, or daven, or paint Matthew 6:5 under your eyes on game day, I won’t make a fuss. Public displays of piety , especially Christian ones, are common. When Juicy J and DJ Paul won the Oscar in 2006 for their song It’s Hard Out Here for A Pimp, Juicy J’s first words were, “Thank you, Jesus”. So if you want to establish your bona fides as your kind of Christian, not one of those people who write lyrics like, 

Its f***'d up where I live but this is how it is
It maybe new to you but it been like this for years
Its blood sweat tears when it comes down to this shit
I'm tryna get rich before I leave up out this b****
I'm tryna have thangs but its on aon [sic] a pimp but I'm praying and hoping to god I don't slip.”

I can see how your public displays of piety have to get more and more out there, given that all kinds of people, even rappers and hip-hop artists, feel entitled to say, “Thank you, Jesus”. That’s the nature of arms races. They push us to extremes. Jesus would understand.


It’s just that if I see you kneeling with your head bowed, I’m going to think you’re tying your shoes.

4 comments:

  1. Intersection VictorianDecember 31, 2011 at 7:59 PM

    I've had trouble with shoelaces. I eventually replaced my laces (after they broke from getting caught in the gears of my bike too many times) with some shorter, wider, flatter, coarser ones. That definitely kept me from stepping on them, and It seems to me as though they've also come undone by themselves less often since then- probably something to do with the flatness, width or coarseness, I would think.

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  2. Have you tried curly shoelaces? I've used them, and if I could find more in black locally, I'd buy 'em again. BTW, there is a site called "curlylaces.com", but I decided to look for an alternative brand when I saw a Christian fish on the order page.

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  3. I had a pair of (soccer) shoes that would untie themselves. Double-knotting didn't help a lot, but I found a site with alternate shoelace knots that helped a lot:

    http://www.fieggen.com/shoelace/ianknot.htm

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